The End

That's all I feel like telling you. I don't really wonna' tell you the whole story of how I got sick and all. That stuff don't interest me too much. I don't really know what the hell to say. I sort of miss everybody I told you about, even Stradlater and Ackley. I think that I even miss that goddam Maurice from the hotel. It's funny. I don't tell anyone anything anymore. The minute I do. I start missing everyone.

Goodbye to Old Phoebe

The minute I got out of there I started to regret giving my hunting hat to Old Phoebe. I started wondering around the streets like a madman. I started thinking that I wouldn't make it to the other side of the street so I started pleading to Allie, not to God but to Allie to see me safely across the street. I started thinking about fleeing out west again and going to live somewhere in the country and I decided that I was gonna do it. But I decided to go and say goodbye to Phoebe. So I wrote her a note I delivered it to her school and everything and just as I was leaving I saw that some rotten kid had scratched 'Fuck you' into one of the walls. That really annoyed me. It annoyed me so much that I wanted to kill the person that had put it there. It's just like life. The minute you find somewhere nice some bastard comes along and writes the word 'Fuck You' all over it! I went to the museum to meet Phoebe and I was walking along of the corridors and I found another 'Fuck You' written on the wall. I couldn't rub it off. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. So I stood and waited outside of the museum and waited for Old Phoebe, in my not I'd told her that I was going away and all and that this was her last chance to say goodbye.

Then I saw her coming up the road dragging this big old suitcase with her. She said that she was coming with me. We had a row about it, we were practically yelling in the street. In the end I said that I wasn't going. But by the time she was kinda mad at me. I offered to take her to the park but she didn't answer so I walked on and headed towards the park. She walked on the other side of the road. That killed me. When we got there I was reminded of my childhood. Me, Allie, Phoebe and D.B used to come here as children and go on the carousel. I gave Phoebe some dough and watched her on the carousel. Before she went on she took my hunting hat out of my pocket and put it on my head with the ear flaps down and all and I sat and I watched her as she went around and around and around. I wish you could've been there.

Mr. Antolini

I got to Mr. Antolini's alright, it wasn't too far away. He and Mrs. Antolini had this very swanky apartment and you could tell that they'd been entertaining, the place was a mess and I could tell that Mr. Antolini had had one too many. And he was still drinking. We ha da very long talk about my life and where I wonna' end up. He told me that I was heading for a fall. A horrible one. he told me 'The man falling isn't permitted to feel or hear himself hit the bottom.' I sort of followed him. To tell you the truth, I wasn't really listening, I was so goddam tired, I felt dizzy and had a huge headache. I just wanted to sleep. He also told me 'The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.' I knew what he was saying. I thanked him and all. But all I really wanted to do was sleep. Mr. Antolini was still pretty drunk but he gave-in and helped me make up the sofa so I could go to bed.

I lay there and I thought about what Mr. Antolini had said for a while, then I fell asleep. Then something weird happened. I woke up and Mr. Antolini was sitting there, in the dark and all, he was still drinking. And he had his goddam hand on my head. I was up like a shot, I was shaking like a bastard! I made the excuse that I had to collect my bag from the station and all then I was out of there. I tell you one thing, I've never waited for a elevator so long in my goddam life. I can't stand it when something perverty like that happens.

Passing on

I got up from the bed and went into the living room and for some cigarettes and to give Mr. Antolini a buzz. Mr. Antolini was the English teacher at Elkton Hills. He's the one who put a coat around James Castle and took him off the the infermary. He asked if anythingwas wrong and I asked him if I could stay and all. He said fine. Then I put the phone down and went back to see Old Phoebe. I hated to have to tell her that I was going. I asked her if she had any money, she gave me a little of her Christmas monay. I was so moved, I cried. I gave her my red hunting hat, she loved it. It was easier to get out of the appartment than in. The door man wasn't even there.I got out alright.

James Castle

All the time I was talking to Old Phoebe I kept thinking about James Castle. He was a student at the Elkton Hills School. He was no phoney. One day he said something about one of the hot shot guys and a bunch of this guys friends came into James Castle's room and locked the door and told him to take back what he'd said. And he said no. What those guys did to him was so repulsive and unspeakable that he jumped out of the window. He died. He died wearing my turtle neck sweater that I lent him. I almost died when he asked if he could borrow it. He never really spoke, he was one of those quest guys. But I lent it to him. And that;s what he died wearing. And that's all I could think about as I sat there talking to Old Phoebe.

Catcher in the Rye

She still wouldn't look at me. She still had that goddam pillow over her head and she kept repeating; 'Daddy's going to kill you.' She started to yell at me about getting kicked out of all the Other schools she asked me if there was anything that I wanted to do with my life. She wanted an aswer. It took me a while to say but I finally told you: 'The Catcher in the Rye.' I want to save innocent people. I pictured all these kids playing around in a huge feild of rye and nobody big's arounbd except me. And they're all playing near this crazy cliff and they're running towards it and when that happens I have to come out from the shadows or somewhere and save them. I know it sounds crazy but that's all I really want to be. The Catcher in the Rye.

Old Phoebe

It took me a while to get back to our apartment. I got to the building Okay and all it was just the guy on the elevator door. I told him to take me up to a different apartment on the floor below but they were out it took me forever to convince him to let me up. It was dark as hell when I opened the apartment door. I crept up to D.B's room coz that's where Phoebe sleeps when he's away. I woke her up. She wakes up quite easily. All you have to say is wake-up and boom! She's awake. I explained to her about the Little Shirley Beans record, she didn't care though, she kept the pieces. We started to chew the fat for a bit. I asked her about her Christmas play and all, but you can't fool Old Phoebe she asked why I was back early. Bang! She figured it out. She started ranting about how Daddy was gonna kill me. She flopped on her stomach on the bed and put a goddam pillow over her head. She wouldn't take it off. I kept tellin' her to take it off but she didn't. You can't even reason with her sometimes.

Drunk

I sat there after Carl Luce had gone and started getting as drunk as a bastard. I sat there 'til around 1 O'clock. When I was really drunk I started messin' around and pretending that I had a bullet in my gut. I kept putting my hand under my jacket, I was concealing the fact that I was a wounded sonuvabitch. I stumbled outside to a phone booth and gave Old Sally Hayes a buzz. I told that I come over Christmas Day and all and trip the Christmas tree like she asked she just said that I was drunk and should sleep it off. I'm not shure what I did after that. I think I was crying. I started to walk, I don't know where. I felt blue as hell though. Then something terrible happened I broke Old Phoebe's record. It fell out of my pocket and shattered into about fifty pieces. It made me fell terrible. It made me feel as though I'd let Old Phoebe down. I sat down on this bench and started to think. About the ducks mainly. They weren't there. The lake was frozen. Where the hell do the ducks go in winter? Then I started to think about Old Phoebe. What I figured I'd do, I figured that I'd sneak back and see her. I had my key and all. So I decided to do it. I walked all the way. It wasn't too far, I wasn't drunk anymore.

Carl Luce

After I saw that lousy movie I headed over to the Wicker Bar to meet Carl Luce. He irritated me for the flirt 10 minutes he kept looking around and pointing out who was a flit. It's really annoying like that. Even if a guys got kids he's still a flit to Luce. Everyone's a flit for Christsake! I started questioning him about his sex life. That really made him sore! He used to gather us all in his room when we were a t Wooten and go on about sex for hours and question you about your sex life and give you tips and all. But the moment you ask him about his sex life, he gets all sore. He told me he was dating this Chinese girl, a sculptor, older. I asked him if he often when for older women. He just told me to grow-up. After about 20 minutes he said he had to go. I practically begged him to say, told him I was lonesome and all. I don't know why.

Phoney Movie

After I left the skating place I thought about giving Old Jane a buzz. And I actually did it this time. But her phone didn't answer. So I had to hang up. Finally after about 10 minutes of contemplating, I gave this guy that I knew at Whooton school, Carl Luce a buzz. He had the highest IQ out of any boy I knew at Wooton. I Anyway, that who I called. He was suprised to hear me but he agreed to meet me. I had some time to kill before I had to go and meet Luce so I went to the movies. Before the movie came on there was this band and in it was a guy who played the kettle drums who I've watched since I was about eight- years-old, Me and Allie used to love him. After the band had finished the picture came on. God it was as phoney as hell. It was about some Duke due who loses his memory and forgets that he's engaged and all, then he meets someone else and they fall in love and all. Then his fiancee shows up and recognises him and tells him to go and see his Mother who's blind, he eventually goes but he still doesn't get his memory back. One day he's playing cricket and gets whakced in the head ans gets his memoty bacl marries the girl and his ex financees gets off with the Doctor die who repairs his Mother's eye-sight. What a load of phoney crap is all I an say! Stuff like that doesn't happen in real life. Take Allie for instance, he can never come back.

Run Away

At two O'clock I met Old Sally at the Biltmore Hotel. She was 10 minutes late. But she looked terrific, she really did. So I could forgive her. I told her we were seeing 'The Lunts' she thought it 'Grand.' Grand now there's a word I really can't stand. It's so phoney. The show wasn't that bad. It was about 5 millions years into the life of this couple. After the phoney show me and Old Sally stook around for a bit. She started chatting to this phoney bastard from Andover, who loved the show. I didn't feel much like talking. We went Ice Skating afterwards. I didn't really want to do that much either if I;m telling the truth. I just wanted to see Old Sally in a minni-skirt that showed of her ass. She had a very cute ass.

After the ice skating we went for a coffee and she watch the skaters for a while. I then started to chew the fat with her. I'm not shure what happened after that. I started partly ranting and partly speaking in my normal voice. I was going on about all the phonies and all, and how I wanted to get the hell out of New York I asked her to come with me. She went mad. You could tell that I had embarassed her. We both hated each others guts by the end of the day. I told her that she could be a right pain in thr ass sometimes. Boy, did she hit the ceiling when I told her that one. I'm not kidding, she really did. I tried to make it up to her by offering to take her home and all, but by that time she was crying. I ended up leaving without her. Prior to that I had asked her to run away woth me. That's the terrible part. I actually meant it. I swear to God I'm a madman.

Museum

It was only noon when I'd finished breakfast. I wasn't meeting Old Sally until two. So I went into a record store and bought a record for Old Phoebe. Little Shirley Beans, she loves it. As I was walking up the street heading towards the park. I saw this little kid with his parents, they were coming home from Mass. The little kid was walking close to the crub on the edge nearly. His parents didn't even notice. I walked towards the park, to tell you the truth I was kinda hoping to see Old Phoebe and give her the record. But she wasn't there. So I headed towards the museum instead. I used to go there when Allie was alive. And on school trips too. The best thing about the museum is that everything always stayed where it was. Certain things should always stay the way they are. But a funny thing happened. When I got to the museum I wouldn't have gone in there for a million bucks. It just didn't appeal to me.

Nuns and Romeo & Juliet

I didn't sleep long, but it was morning anyway so I got the hell out of there. I went to this little cafe and had some breakfast and these two Nuns came in. I started shooting the bull with 'em for a while. One of them was an English teacher. I liked her. We started chatting about Romeo & Juliet. God I hate that story. Well I lied Mercutio. He was cool. But when he died the story kinda' went down hill. I helped them with their bags and stuff and I gave them ten bucks for their collection. They were really nice and all. I ain't' Catholic or anything. But I appreciat what those Nuns do an all. After they left I started getting sorry that I'd only given them ten bucks fot their collection. But the thing was I'd made an appointment with Old Sally Hayes. I said that I meet her that day and go see a show. I was almost out of dough. I'd spent a fourtune since I'd left Pencey.

Prostitute

After leaving Ernie's I walked all the way abck to the hotel. I was tired and to tell you the truth, I was feeling sort of depressed. I got into the elavator and told the guy what fool. His name was Maurice according to his name tag. Then he said something funny. 'Interested in a little tail tonight?' It took me a while before I realised that he ment a prostitute. I told him my room number and he said he'd send her up. I figured when I was going up to my room, that, seeing as she was a prostitute and all I could get some practice in on her if I ever got married. Anyway, the doorbell rang and I answered it. She was sort of pretty with blonde hair, but you could tell that she dyed it. She was wearing this green dress. I felt a little uncomfortable when I saw that the colour of her dress was green. It reminded me of that Navajo blanket that Old Spencer owned and all that Arcadia stuff I told you about. Anyway she waled in, her name was Sunny. And right there in the middle of her room she just took off her dress and was standing there in just her slip. She had no shame. I felt kinda bad coz she was only a kid and all, I was expecting some old bag. In the end I apologised and said that I couldn't go through with it. I payed her the 5 bucks I owed her, I was no time-waster. Old Maurice said that it was 5 'til midnight.

After Sunny had left. I smoked a few ciggarettes put on my pajamas and went to bed. It was only a few minutes since I turned the light out when there was a knock at the door. I opened it, I felt really ambarassed seeing as I was in my goddam pajamas and all. It was Old Maurice demanding that I pay Sunny the other 5 bucks I owed her. I told him that he said it was only five. He argued. Siad that he told me it was ten. Sonuvabitch. We argued for a while. It wouldn't have been as bad except for the fact that I was in my pajamas. He it me in the end. Right in the gut, I lay there on the floor as Sunny took another five bucks from my wallet. Then they Left. After they left and I was on my way to the bathroom, I started to pretend that I had a bullet in my gut. I'm crazy. I felt like I was in a goddam movie. Goddam movies. They can ruin you. I'm not kidding.

Sonnet

Goddam phoneys, they’re all phoneys at school
Game my ass, some game, there’s only one rule
The grass is greener on the other side
Where all the hot-shots are, where life is denied

Look for innocence, it’s in children’s eyes
Purity and youth can never tell lies
I want to protect them, save them from hell
They can’t lead phoney lives, stop the death- knell
I try hard to preserve their innocence
Protect their minds, maintain their brilliance

But no one else will help me with my quest
This world’s lousy with perverts, and the rest
‘Grow-up!’ ‘Use your head boy!’ I don’t want to
I don’t want to, but there’s naught I can do

The Club

I took a cab down to Ernie's, the nightclub. Ernie is a pianist. He's always playing there. I got into the cab and I started chatting to the driver, I asked him where the ducks go in winter like I asked the last cab driver. Boy, was he all sore about it! He kept on tellin' me to grow-up and all. Loadsa' people tell me to do that, I don't really pay any attention to 'em if I'm being honest. I had to wait practically ages to get a table once I got to Ernie's. It was always packed-out. They finally gave me a table in the corner I had to climb over a couple of people to get to it. No one had the courtesy to move. The people who were still waiting for a table were standing on their tiptoes at the back to get a good luck at Old Ernie. I'm not sure what it was that he was playing, but he was really stinking it up! He was putting in all these dumb show-off ripples and high notes. You couldn't see his fingers, the spotlight was shining on his big dumb face. The crowd were going wild though.

All of a sudden this girl came up to me, Lillian Simmons her name was. She used to date my Brother, D.B. She was with some phony looking sailor guy. She started shooting the bull with me about D.B. I told her about him being in Hollywood and all. Prostituting himself. She thought it was 'marvelous'. I hate that word. It's so goddam phony. When she left me and the sailor shook hands. It was one of those handshakes that practucally broke your damn fingers off. She asked me to join her. But I made up some excuse about having to meet with someone, so I left. I didn't really want to shoot the bull with Old Lillian about my Brother.

Jane Gallagher 2

Sitting in the lobby I suddenly found that my thoughts wondered to Old Jane Gallagher again. I started to think about how I first met her. Her family lived next door to me, and they had this dog that always used to come over and relieve itself on our lawn and my Mom got all irritated about it. She called-up Old Jane's Mom and made a very big stink about the whole damn thing. A couple of days later I saw Old Jane in the swimming pool at the club and said 'Hi' to her, after that Jane and I got to be friends. She killed me did Old Jane, she really did. She was the only one that I ever showed Allie's baseball mitt to. I remember one afternoon when Jane and I nearly got to necking. We were playing checkers at her house and she was keeping all her kings in the back, as usual. All of a sudden this booze hound that her Mother lived with came out and he asked Jane if there were any cigarettes in the house. She didn't answer, she just kept on looking at the checkers board. So he asked her again. Jane made out she was concentrating on her next move and all. Finally he went into the house and this big tear rolled down Jane's cheek and onto the checkers board. She just rubbed it into the board and carried on playing.

At that moment I went over and sat next to her. Then she really started to cry. The next thing I knew I was kissing her. All over. Her, nose, her forehead, her cheeks even her ears. But not her lips though. She kinda wouldn't let me get to that. Anyway, that the furthest we got to necking.

Anyway, that's what I was thinking about when I was sitting in that vomit-coloured chair in the lobby. Old Jane. There was hardly anyone there anymore.

Lavender Room

I started thinking about giving Old Phoebe a buzz again. I wouldn't have minded shooting the crap with her. But I decided against it again. I went down to the Lavender Room. I tried to get the waiter to give me a scotch and soda. But I ended up getting a coke when I couldn't produce an ID. But it wasn't all bad though. There were these three girls all wearing fancy looking hats, at the table next to me. Two of them weren't all that attractive, but the third one, the blond one, she was. I started giving her the eye. I asked her to dance. She was an amazing dancer, not kidding, she really was. I tried to talk to her but she wasn't really paying attention she kept looking all around her. She was a real dope. But a terrific dancer. Then, all of a sudden, she came out with this really dumb remark; " I and my girlfriends saw Peter Lorre last night. The movie actor in person. He's cute.' She was really a moron. But a great dancer. I started jitterbugging with her. It was great. I then danced with the two less attractive ones, they weren't as good. One of them practically dragged me 'round the dance floor.

After I'd danced with all three of 'em I went and sat at there table, they didn't even ask me to join them. I just sat down anyways. I kept trying to make conversation with them. Most of the time they didn't even bother to respond. They kept looking around, looking for movie stars I guessed. They didn't even talk to each other. When we left they didn't even offer to pay for the drinks. Not even the ones they had before I joined them. I wouldn't have let the pay, it just would've been nice if they'd've offered. We didn't even sit together long but they must've ordered about a hundred drinks.

The Hotel

When I got off the train I caught a cab and asked the driver to take me to the nearest hotel. I started asking the driver if her knew where all the ducks went in winter. I mean, think about it. Where exactly do they go? When the lake freezes over in Central Park during the winter months, does some guy come from the zoo, scoop up all the ducks and take 'em to the zoo for the winter? Anyway, I asked the driver. He didn't answer. He didn't say anything the whole time I was in the cab. So I didn't either after that. When I got to the hotel they gave me this crumby room with nothing to look out of the window at. I didn't care much. I was to depressed to care. Eventually I did look out of the window. You'd be surprised what was going on on the other side of the hotel. There was this one guy who was checking himself out in the mirror dressed in woman's clothes. Next to him in the other room there was this couple who were squirting water into each other's faces and were enjoying it. They even took turns for Christ's sake! The Hotel was lousy with perverts. Sex is something I really don't understand, probably as much I as I didn't understand why it was fun to squirt water into a girl's face.

I picked up the phone wanting to give Old Phoebe, my kid sister, a buzz. But changed my mind. She's only ten, she wouldn't be up at this hour. I started toying with the idea of giving this girl who's card I got off some moron who went to Pinceton. I took the card out of my wallet and dialled the number. Faith Cavendish was her name. For a while I didn't think someone was home, it took her forever to answer the phone. She was pretty ticked-off about being phoned up at just gone midnight. But as soon as I told her I was a friend of Edmund Birdsell from Princeton she warmed up a bit. I asked her out for cocktails but she made up some phony excuse about her roommate being sick and how she didn't want to leave her.

"How about tomorrow night?" she suggested.

I made up some excuse about only being able to make it tonight and put the phone down. I felt pretty fouled up after that. I should've at least made it for cocktails.

Mrs Morrow

I walked to the station. I sort of enjoyed the air. I didn't have to wait long for a train. I like riding trains, I usually buy a ham sandwich and a couple of phony magazines from that guy who comes down the aisles selling 'em. But I didn't tonight. All of a sudden a lady got on the train she sat down right next to me. The whole car was empty because it was pretty late but she sat down next to me because she had this big heavy bag with her. She dumped it right in the middle of the aisle. She was a pretty good-looking woman. Women kill me. She turned and started talking to me. She'd noticed the Pencey Prep sticker on my bag. Turns out she was Mrs. Morrow the Mother of Ernest Morrow, what a moron! I started shooting the bull with her about what a great guy her son was. Moms love hearing about how great their kids are. She smiled. She had a terrifically nice smile. I liked Old Morrow's Mother. She was alright. She had quite allot of sex appeal.

She started asking why I was going home so early. She started worrying like Mothers do. She asked if a member of my family was ill.

"No they're alright. It's me I got to have this operation." That's what I told her.

She started getting all worried after I told her that. I told her I had a tiny brain tumor that had to be removed. I then moved my eyes away from her quickly and started studying this timetable I had in my pocket, just to stop lying. Once I started I couldn't stop. She then wished me luck with my operation and got off the train.

Exit

I went next door the Ackley's room. I turned on the light. He looked at me all shocked due to the blood all over my face from when Stradlater took a swing at me. He started asking me about the fight. He was a right nosey bastard. But I wasn't about to share my goddam life story with him. He was dumber than Stradlater. Next to Ackley Stradlater looked like a goddam genius. I asked him if I could sleep in Ely's bed tonight. Ely was Ackly's roommate. Boy did that annoy him. He started banging on about how he couldn't just loan Ely's goddam bed out just because he gone away for the goddam weekend. I went over to the window whilst he shot the bull. I felt so lonesome all of a sudden. I almost wished I was dead. In the end he loaned me the goddam bed. I swear to God about two hours passed before I could convince him to let me sleep in his goddam room. I wasn't even like it was a nice room. It was rank with the smell of Ackley's socks.

A couple of minutes later he was snoring like mad. I just lay there in the dark my mind kept wandering back to Jane Gallagher and Stradlater sitting in the back of that goddam car. Finally, I got up out of Ely's bed and started towards the door. I didn't want to stay in this stupid atmosphere anymore. Everybody was asleep or had gone home for the weekend and the corridor felt very, very depressing and quiet. All of a sudden I decided what the hell I was going to do. I was gonna get the hell out of Pencey. I needed a little vacation. My nerves were shot. Packing depressed me a little. After I got all packed I counted my dough. I was pretty loaded. I was all set to go. I had my bags and everything. I don't know why but I was looking down the goddam corridor. I was sort of crying. Finally, I put on my red hunting hat and yelled down the corridor "Sleep tight morons!" And got the hell out.

Fight

Some things are pretty hard to remember, like when Stradlater came back from his date with Jane for example. I can't remember what the hell I was doing the moment I heard his stupid footsteps coming down the corridor. What I do remember though, is that I was worried as hell. He came in blabbing on about is date or the weather or something. I really don't remember. I wasn't really listening. I didn't even bother to attempt to make a conversation with him. I just watched him. The one thing I did hear him ask was whether or not I'd written his stupid goddam composition for him. I told him it was on the bed, he went over and read it. He started to complain about the fact that I wrote it about Allie's baseball mitt. He was angry as hell. I ripped the damn thing out of his goddam hand and ripped it up I got so frustrated with him. I lay down on my bed and lit a cigarette, we weren't supposed to smoke in the dorm. But I didn't really give a damn. To tell you to truth I only did it to feel a sense of rebellion, plus it annoyed the hell out of Stradlater. He started banging on about how it was against the rules and telling me that I should put it out. I ignored him. I went on smoking like a madman.

He started acting dead weird. He kept on giving me these shadow punches to my shoulder. I don't remember what happened after that. All I can remember is that I got up and acted like I was going to the can or something. I tried to sock him one, only, I missed. It didn't connect all I did was hit him in the side of the the neck or somethin'. The next thing I knew I was on the goddam floor. Stradlater's crumby knees were digging into my chest. It hurt like hell. I yelled at him to get off and he eventually did. I started to yell again. I really did, I was calling him every name under the goddam sun. He got really mad then. He let one go on me. The next thing I knew I was on the goddam floor again. I didn't bother to get up. I just lay there. Bawling. I lay there until I heared him leave. Then I got up. I couldn't find my goddam hunting hat anywhere. I eventually found it. I looked in the mirror. There was blood everywhere. You never saw such gore in your life. I'd only ever been in about two fights in my whole life and I lot both of 'em. I'm not too tough. I'm a pacifist really.

Haiku for Allie

He was a nice guy
I broke down when he left us
You would have loved him

Allie's Baseball mitt

I didn't have a date or anything so I stuck around my dorm and decided to to Stradlater's crappy composition.
I stared out of the window for what must've been like an hour. I was staring at the snow. Like I said, I thought it was pretty, it looked nice and white. Anyway, I couldn't really think of a room, or a house, or anything like that. I put on my red hunting hat and tried to think. Besides, I ain't too crazy about describing houses or rooms anyway. I wrote about my Brother, Allie's baseball mitt. It was a really descriptive subject. It really was. It was a left-handed fielder's mitt. Allie was left handed. It had loadsa' poetry scribbled all over it. It was all over the fingers and the pockets, everywhere. In green ink. Allie's dead now. He died of leukemia on July 18th 1946. He was eleven. Two years my junior. He's been dead three years. He was terrifically intelligent, he really was. His teachers were always sending letters to my Mother telling her just how intelligent he was. He was probably the most intelligent member of the family. I guess I kinda idolize him because of it. Sounds weird I know. Idolizing my kid Brother. He had red hair and the weird thing is, people with red hair are supposed to be really angry. Not Allie. He couldn't get mad at anything. He was the nicest guy ever. God he was a nice kid.

I cried like hell when he died. I was only thirteen and they were going to have me psychoanalyzed. All because I broke all the windows in the garage. I don't balme them though. I really don't. I slept in the grage for a while. I slept there the night he died. I broke all the goddam windows with my fits. Just for the hell of it. Damn near broke my hand. I can't make a proper fist with it anymore. Anyway, that's what I wrote Stradlater's goddam composition about. Allie's baseball mitt.

Jane Gallagher

I wasn't doing anything special that night so I went and chewed the rag with Stradlater whist he was shaving. I sat in the Washbowl right next to him and watched him. I kept turning the cold water on and off, I dunno' why, nervous habit I guess. Stradlater was a right slob if you thought about it. I mean, he was a clean looking sort of guy, unlike Ackley. Now there's a crumby guy for ya'! He had really mossy teeth and loadsa' pimples, all over his face! Anyway, Stradlater was different . You should of seen his razor! It was as rusty as hell and was full of lather and hairs and crap. He always looked well groomed though. But by looking at his razor, you wouldn't have thought it.

"Hey!" said Stradlater suddenly taking me out of my daydream about his razor. "Wonna' do me a big favor?" he asked. Nice as hell, damn phoney.

It turns out he wanted me to do this goddam composition for him of English. Can you beleive the cheek! I mean he was asking me and I was the one who was failing at absolutly everything! It wasn't much, well, not for me. It was just a composition about something descriptive.

"Who's your date tonight?" I asked. Just to be nosey.

"Jane Gallagher. ' He said.

I nearly dropped dead when he said that name. He used to live next door to me. I really exited that remembered me. I really was. I used to play checkers with Old Jane. She used to keep all her kings in the back row and just leave 'em there. She never moved them. I liked her. I really did. I guess I kinda' missed her in a way. I was pretty glad that she'd remebered me. Stradlater started putting on his tie and jacket. We were beack in out dorm room now.

"Do that compesition for me will ya'?" He said. "Don't knock yourself out or anything, just make it as descriptive as hell Okay?"

I didn't answer. I didn't feel like it. But I'll tell you what I did ask him. I asked him to askes Old Jane if she still kept all her kings in the back row, I knew she'd know what I meant. Stradlater said he would. But I doubt it. I sat in my chair for about half an hour after he'd gone. I couldn't get Jane out of my head. I kept thinking about her and Stradlater together. It made me so nervous I nearly went crazy.

Roommate

After visiting Old Spencer I went back to to my dorm, the Ossenburger Memorial Wing it was called. It was named after some phoney why used to go to Pencey, he made a load of dough out of bein' an Undertaker. My dorm was only for juniors and seniors. I was a junior, my roommate was a senior. Anyway, I got back to my room, it was warm for once. They always put the heating on when no one was there. It was a waste of time really. I was alone, everyone was down at the game, so I put on my red hunting hat that I told you about earlier, with the peak way around the back. I liked wearing it like that. I sat in my chair and resumed reading this book that I took out of the library. They gave the wrong goddam book but I didn't realize it 'til I got it back to my room. 'Out of Africa' it was called by Isak Dinesen. It was a very good book. About African Tribes, it amazes me how similar they are to the Native Americans.

My favourite author is my brother, D.B. But he sold-out for the money. Anyway, just as soon as I had got comfortable in my chair with my book and my cool hat I heared someone come through the shower curtain. It was only Robert Ackley. I could feel him standing on the shower ledge right behinde my chair. He was taking a look to see if my roommate Stradlater was around. He hated Stradlater's guts. He hated everyone's guts damn near.

"Alright Ackley Kid?" I asked. I did that to annoy him. He was just standing there hovering looking over my shoulder. I hated it when he did that. He was always there, just standing there on the shower ledge for now apparent reason. Anyone would think that he was my goddam roommate. He hated it when people called him 'Ackley Kid' he was always telling me that I was a goddam kid. It drove him mad when you called him 'Ackley Kid.'

He started standing in my light and demanded that I don't call him 'Ackley kid.' He started to really get on my nerves. Asking all these goddam irritating questions about the Fencing match an all. I must have read the same goddam sentence about twenty times! I must've dropped like a million hints about him getting up and clearing off. Anyone else would have got the message, but not Ackley. He continued to ask all his irritation questions, this time about my roommate, Stradlater. He asked who his date was and everything. I told him that I didn't really know and that was the goddam truth, I didn't particularly care either. You know that saying 'talk of the Devil and it arrives' well I'll tell you one thing. It's goddam true. Just as soon as we started taling abot Stradlater, he entered the room. He was in a hurry. Come to think of it, he was always in a big hurry.

"How'sa boy, Ackley?" he said to Ackley, you could tell this this annoyed Ackley, like I said, he hated Strdlater's guts.

Ackley just sort off grunted and left the room. He never could stay long in the same room as Stradlater. I was relieved, it meant I could continue reading.

Old Spencer

Before I left Pencey I headed over to Old Spencer's house. Old Spencer's was my History teacher, he and his wife were both around seventy-years-old, or even more then that. I used to think about Old Spencer allot, it's strange, if you thought about him too much you ended up wondering, what the hell he was still living for. I mean, like I said he was in his seventies, he was all stooped over and had terrible posture. But if you thought about him, and not too much, you could figure out that he wasn't doing too bad for himself. He still got a bang out of life, for instance he had this Navajo blanket that he bought in Yellowstone park, he got a real bang out of buying it. It reminded me of my red hunting hat that I bought for a buck in New York. It's something to hide behind, something innocent. I guess in a way I kinda' appreciate that. I can always relate to Old Spencer.

Anyway, I knocked on the door, it was open but I still knocked, just to be polite. He invited me in. He was wearing his pajamas. I hate to see old guys in their pajamas and their dressing gowns. Their bumpy old chests are always showing. And their legs. Old guys legs, at beaches and places, they always look so white and unhairy. I hate the idea of getting old.

I sat down on the bed. It was like cement. He looked terrible, he was all wrapped up in that Navajo blanket I told you about and the whole room smelled of Vicks Nose Drops. It was pretty depressing.

"So you're leaving us ey?" he asked, he knew I was leaving but you know old guys, they always have to ask. Just to make shure that they aren't loosing their memories or somethin'.

So I told him yes and we shot the bull for a while, he was going on about being kicked-out and all, then he asked me if my parents knew.

If the truth be told, I didn't really want them to know. This was the third school that I'd gotten the boot from and each time they had all been posh private institutes that were full of phonies. And they cost like a million bucks a term or somethin'! My parents wouldn't care about me, oh no. It's all about the money!

He talked on. I wasn't really listening. Not to be rude or nothin' it's just I don't really like to listen to Old Spencer's lectures. Finally, I told him that I had to get going.

"I'll drop you a line sir, take care now."

After I shut the door and headed out, he yelled something to me, but I couldn't exactly hear him. I'm pretty shure that is was 'Good luck!' I shure as hell hope not, it sounds terrible, when you think about it.

The day I left Pencey

Okay, first of all, this ain't an autobiography, this is me, me telling the truth to you. The truth about my crappy life, the truth about my crappy school and the truth about this crappy mental institute that my parents dumped me in coz I have T.B. Anyway, my crappy school. They booted me out. Pencey Prep, 'Since 1888 they have been molding boys into into splendid, clear-thinking young men.' That's a goddam lie! I don't know anyone who's 'splendid' and 'clear-thinking' that goes to that place. Well, maybe one or two, but they came to Pencey that way. It ain't the first school that I've been given the boot from.

It's full of phoneys, like my Brother, D.B, he's a writer, he wrote this great book called 'The Secret Goldfish'. It killed me. He's prostituting himself in Hollywood now. Writing movies. I hate movies. They're just phoney stories about phoney people, leading phoney lives. He comes and visits me out here, practically every weekend. Goddam phoney.

Anyway, Pencey. Like I said, they kicked me out. They're goddam phoneys too you know. The day I left Pencey Prep was the day of the big game with Saxon Hall. I was standing on top of this big hill. Well away from the game. It was one of those games where you were supposed to commit suicide if Pencey didn't win. Like it was a big deal or somethin'. Anyway, I was on the hill, everyone else was down in the field being all phoney. I was alone. I like to think of myself as a pretty isolated kinda guy. I like it that way. I don't have to interact with all the phoneys.